ripsawridge

 I'm in an interesting place.

I've followed a thread now for years into esoteric knowledge and mystical experiences. But now I'm frustrated with it. I see that I'm becoming addicted to those experiences that fill me with the sense of an altered state, a sense of love. I sway back and forth. I imagine a conversation with my Higher Self. All kinds of nice stuff...but I always have to return to the "real world."

Once here again, I go tell people about how amazing the things I'm looking into are. I can see I'm not helping them. They are polite and patient with me. What I've felt can't be conveyed, and then I feel lonely.

I feel rather foolish. If I put what I've learned to the test, I do think it has helped me become more loving. To intellectually know that there is vast evidence for the continuation of life through consciousness despite death. To be curious about the future, about that post-death state.

But this is actually very little.

I've been able to look within. I'm grateful. But I still don't know anything. And I'm finding that I become dissatisfied because as my brain becomes familiar with the energetic mystical experiences I encounter, it gets harder to have new ones. They are becoming "incorporated" into my matrix of expectations. This frustrates me. It's clearer to me now why the wisdom traditions say not to get involved in these experiences but to just see them as something that happens along the way.

I've become ready to identify with those experiences. I've been in the process of changing my identity to become "one-who-experiences-such-events."

This is already three steps down the wrong stairs. I am turning around...